My wife always said, “I wonder what you’ll say in my eulogy.” I still have no idea. But now she’s dead. Or I think she’s dead. I’m beginning to suspect that she was raptured. Raptured. As in “The Big Rapture.”
You know what the Rapture is, right? Supposedly, it’s when Christians leave the earth . . . all at once. Like in the sky? They get evacuated. Gone. Left forever.
I never believed it even though I’m a pastor. It was too preposterous. It was too hard to believe. Everyone in churches everywhere sucked up into the heavens? Who could believe that?
And yet . . . my wife is gone. A few nights ago, I came home and the dinner corn was boiling over on the stove. The pot roast in the oven was smoking and giving up an acrid smell. My wife was gone. The wind was gently tossing the white gossamer curtains. As in protest, the cats pooped on the floor and peed over the side of the litter. My cats loved her and when she wasn’t around they didn’t like it.
Hey, I don’t like it either! Me and the cats were spoiled rotten by her. I’m kind of lost. She did everything. She did the budget, earned most of the family income (did I mention I am a pastor?), shoveled snow, cleaned the house, did laundry, washed the dishes. I admit it, I was thoroughly mollycoddled (look it up if you don’t know it!).
Now what do I do?? Oh my goodness! I’m so self-centered! I don’t know where my wife has gone. I don’t know if she’s dead or raptured? And all I can think about is how am I going to be cared for. I deserve to be left behind. If there is really something like the Rapture.
I called some of my best Christian friends. No answer. Straight to voicemail. Texts? Nothing. Facebook? No updates. Messaging? Nada. Ut oh. Maybe I’m the only Christian left.
On the other hand, maybe I’m not a Christian . . . really. Where is everyone? Maybe that Rapture thing was true!
My wife believed in it. Her mother believed in it. Her mother warned her about me. She didn’t believe I was really “saved.” I thought I was good guy, though. My wife was better. I thought she was just a “goodie-goodie.” After all, how could you believe things like a prophet outrunning a chariot? Even if it was downhill! Or a flood swallowing everyone up except for a few in one family? Ridiculous! A man coming back from the dead? Silly.
And yet . . . oh, crumb! (that’s not what really went through my mind). Where is everyone?
The world was basically the same. Screaming on the news, immorality all over the place, murders on the headlines, binge-watching cable, updates to our phones. There are even a few weddings though most young people are just living together. For the most part, things are going on the way they have for centuries.
My wife is gone. I’ve got to find her. Or just find out what happened to her. I’m a schlemiel. Deep down what I really care about is what’s for lunch.